The Sound of Silence

A client recently asked me to coach her on being a more effective facilitator of group meetings. In her current situation, she speaks up during (5-10 person) meetings when no-one else does and “everyone knows what needs to be said.”

“How does the group react when you speak?” I asked. The group does not approve.

“What’s causing you to speak up, then?” She didn’t know and started to explain the excruciating pain of sitting at the meeting, waiting for someone to speak up.

“In that moment (when no-one is saying anything, what’s causing you to speak up? After several rounds of me asking this question and my client describing the pain of enduring that situation, she said “It’s the silence. I can’t stand the silence.”

She went on to describe how annoyed she gets when others talk and talk, not letting her get a word in edgewise, how filling the void is common in her family, and how horrified she is that she is doing that same thing.

We paused (in silence) for a few moments and I asked what she might do differently now that she is away of what’s happening. After a brainstorm I suggested that she play a game in the coming week: for every moment of silence she can hold, she gets a point. She can write, engage with her eyes, listen, etc. (not escape by checking out), and even say something short to reassure others she is still herself. But her main goal is to stay silent and collect her winning points.